I wrote this two weeks ago but did not post it for whatever reasons, one of them being that I thought it was kinda silly and onions don’t really sting that much, do they? A few minutes ago, all I did was cut 4 onions in half. That’s all- in half.
Yes. They do.
They do sting that much.
A lot more than what I have described.
So here you go:
Last night my mother left me alone and I was forced to cook food, to ensure my survival.
Invariably, as so many of them do, the dish I cooked required me to chop onions.
Now see, I don’t really have an opinion on the chopping of onions. It is one of those utterly irrelevant things I do in my life.
Which is why I never even have any gum on hand whenever I am faced with the daunting task of cutting an onion so I can devour its little fleshy pieces which will add taste to my food.
(Chewing gum helps you not cry. Mad science, isn’t it?)
I go through life not thinking about chopping onions.
Unless I’m doing it, and then it won’t let me think of anything else, as much as I’d like to.
Years of onion-chopping had prepared me for the onslaught and pain that would follow.
What I always underestimate though, is how quickly after you let the knife touch the onion, your eyes start stinging.
One stroke to the onion, and the tears flow like a sword was swung through Ned Stark’s head.
All the tears compelled me to reevaluate every single one of my life choices leading upto this point in my life.
And then, I couldn’t help but wonder about the life choices of the person, the first human being on this earth, who thought eating onions would be a good idea.
No but really, think about this:
Here’s a small round object that I found after digging up the ground.
(That’s not shady enough already)
It came from a plant, so maybe it is edible. From my previous experience I have realised that not all of the things I find from plants tend to be edible.
Let me try to get rid of this annoying and crackling skin that’s covered with dirt, maybe there’s a soft fleshy part inside.
Oh yes indeed there is….
Aah let me break this into smaller pieces to facilitate their entry into my mouth.
(I’m assuming the person wasn’t so stupid- or adventurous- as to literally bite into a thing that nobody he knew had ever eaten, so far in his life)
Oh my God!!! My eyes!!
Water is flowing through them and I don’t like this one bit!!!
Oh no oh no oh no!
Let me go splash some water on my eyes and hope that they survive this, which is, and shall forever be, the worst experience of my life!
*drops onion pieces on the ground and runs to fetch water, from like a stream or whatever*
*comes back feeling slightly better but not really, because HAVE YOU EVER CUT AN ONION? THE TRAUMA LASTS FOR MONTHS*
My eyes feel considerably better. Can’t say the same about my heart though.
This experience will haunt me for several full moons.
Just holding these pieces of new, round object have caused me to break down like I never have before.
*slowly sits on the ground near the fallen onion pieces*
You know what I’m gonna do?
*picks one up*
I’m gonna pop it into my mouth!
Let’s see how that goes!